Thanks, but no thanks.

My biological clock isn’t broken. In fact, I’ve been wanting the unthinkable lately. I have the urge to cuddle a drooling, pooping, child. One from which strange smells emanate. Something that will grow like a weed, destroy my possessions, throw food on the floor, and howl for no reason (and at odd hours of the night). I’ll have to dedicate most of my energy to raising it right—but that’s okay!—my maternal instinct must be heard.

Yes, I’d really like a puppy.

I know I’d be a good puppy-mom. There would be the required training (no dog of mine is going to be spoiled); it would get plenty of exercise and the best of diets. Given, of course, that my life situation was radically different than it is today. I refuse to indulge my puppy-cravings when I am unemployed and living in a tiny one bedroom apartment with a guy who is not crazy about the idea of any new pets. I’m sensible, I suppose. Or maybe I just like the idea of having my future pets be healthy, happy, well adjusted individuals who don't rely on me for their emotional well-being!

And I’m still completely baffled by people that have children when they can’t afford to keep them. Why is a pregnancy “always welcome” when someone is unemployed, leeching of friends and family, and stressed beyond belief? Yes, I understand that these people think that they are carrying a complete individual human and that is special to them. Even more, I think these people see only the fantasy world called “parenthood”, and ignore the facts. I can’t ignore the facts—even if I liked children, which I don’t, parenthood wouldn’t be "special" to me. There would have to be a reason behind having a child, and I can’t think of a good one besides "I want one". And really, why do childfree people get pegged as the selfish ones if parents are using that reasoning?

Having a dog, however, makes more sense to me because I’m not naïve of my selfish desire to have others worship me. I’m really a cat person. I sympathize with kitty’s “get out of m’face” attitude, because it’s one I share. Dogs on the other hand are all about loyalty and love. It’s the part of the pack mentality humans haven’t quite perfected. You pour you energy into a puppy, and it pours love, adoration and hero-worship right back at you. Part of me still believes that people have children because they are looking the same kind of trust and adoration from their children. There is a difference of course—any parent that has kids with that in mind shouldn’t even have a dog. These parents are the ones that spoil their kids and are heartbroken when the brat rejects them. They would also spoil a puppy, only to discard it (because it’s just an ‘animal’) when its behavior becomes intolerable. Even if they caused the behavior by never training the poor thing. They never gave it boundaries, which in turn often leads to a dog that isn’t confident and trusting in its own right.

Yes, dogs are a lot like humans. I think having a puppy is analogous in many ways to having a human child. The difference is that they are not human—they are our oldest domesticated partners. We are their pack, and with any good pack relationship there needs to be a leader. People that treat their children as they should a dog—training, positive reinforcement, strict boundaries, and unconditional love—are good parents in my sensibilities.

I still think that the reward compared to the amount of energy invested is much higher for those that choose dogs over human babies. But then again, I’m childfree and always have been. And always will be. As for a puppy? Given time, graduation from law school, and enough money to live in a place where my horses can roam and I have space to exercise a dog..?

I think I’m going to get a Doberman.